hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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