I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize