just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
