I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
