I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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