So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he puts the penis in happiness.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
