Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
