Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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