I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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