All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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