Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
