In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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