Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
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