Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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