it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
