Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
