Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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