Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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