when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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