I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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