The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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