how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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