god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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