we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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