she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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