she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
