Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
honey bunches of taint.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
