I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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