I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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