Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
