I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
