My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My dick has a subreddit
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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