I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
