This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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