I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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