Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
