Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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