To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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