So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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