the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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