That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
