a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
