They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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