it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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