I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
