oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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