That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize