so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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