I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
