cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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