the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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