I faked an abortion last night.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
