i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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