Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
