We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
