He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
