You made me cry and you don't even care
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
