The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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