I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
