Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
